When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.