When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.

When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.

I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.