You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.

One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.