My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.