Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.

The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!