If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.

It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.

The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.