I was quite pleased that Prince Philip didn't say anything like, I hate queers! He was quite well behaved.

I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

You should never meet your heroes. Paul Newman... I was so excited about meeting him, but he turned up in shell suit bottoms, slippers, and a jumper. He was just so worn out and old, he wanted to go home.

I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.