DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

Impartial - unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.

TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.

Cat: a soft indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.