LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.

BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

Miss, n. A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.

OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.

ZEUS /n./ The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog.