Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

Botany, n. The science of vegetables - those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling.

COMMENDATION n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles but do not equal our own.

A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves.