MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.

OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe . . . . The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly.

Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.

LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.

In theology, the state of a luckless mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined to salvation.

Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Alligator: The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.