I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.

Don't associate me with comedy. And please don't say actress. I would never call myself any of those things. I hate it when people call me that.

Most people think witches are a coven of lesbians dancing naked in the forest celebrating the semen stolen from imprisoned hypnotized males, which they then use to inseminate one another using turkey basters in order to create a legion of demon babies. Well, that's only part of it. We are also active in community outreach programs.

I'd just much rather see an ugly person take the trash out than see somebody really pretty taking the trash out.

It's natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires.

When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yourself.' It's like chocolate-chip cookies. People buy the cookie-dough roll and slice it, and then they lay it on a cookie sheet. That's not making chocolate-chip cookies.

You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use your imagination to come up with stuff.