Sometimes it's just enough for me to have the idea. I don't need to see it through to the end. When it actually happens, I'm always disappointed because it's never like what I imagined in my head. When an idea becomes a reality, then it's a job. I'd rather just think about it.
Amy SedarisI've never played anyone who didn't like themselves. I don't care if they're unattractive, but it's important that they think of themselves as attractive. And I guess that's part of their charm.
Amy SedarisIt's natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires.
Amy SedarisI have a lot of fake food in my apartment, but I'm picky about it. Old plaster food, like from the '50s is really nice, hollowed out paper-mache food from old plays - the new stuff just looks too good.
Amy SedarisSometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny pair of shoes in the hallway or lean small wooden crutches in what I refer to as 'the baby's room,' which is actually a tiny space where I make things. I continue to call it the baby's room because it confuses people and it's creepy.
Amy SedarisExercise your imagination muscle! How many uses can you come up with for a flowerpot? Write down your answers. But don't write them in this book. Grab a separate sheet of paper. I didn't spend two and a half weeks writing a book just so you could mark up the pages with your silly ideas for things you can do with a flowerpot. When it comes down to it, what's wrong with a flowerpot not being a flowerpot? Why is nothing ever good enough for you?
Amy SedarisIt was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high.
Amy SedarisI like it when people who aren't so attractive, or they have a whole lot of hurdles to get over, I like it when they dress up and they look presentable. That, to me, just touches me.
Amy SedarisI'd just much rather see an ugly person take the trash out than see somebody really pretty taking the trash out.
Amy SedarisDon't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.
Amy SedarisI love old cookbooks. I just got such a kick out of them, how the color would be way off or fake looking. The cook books now look so much like magazines, you'll never make food that looks like that. I'd rather see it the ugly way than they way they do it now.
Amy SedarisThat's why I love improvisational theater so much - you do it [scene] once and then it's done. You don't get bogged down with a lot of preplanning and repetition. If I do something and it gets a laugh, I don't want to do it again. Why bother? I'm just repeating myself. It's boring.
Amy SedarisIf you cannot come to the party, do not cancel at the last minute or give a message to a child to inform the host. And don't bother explaining why you can't attend because anything after 'because' is bullshit.
Amy SedarisI'm drawn to real-life characters. A lot of the characters I play, I've had in me since second grade. I've been dragging them around my entire life, and then sometimes I marry them with different people. But seldom have I really come up with a new character. In my head it's like, "I'll pull that person out that I've been doing since sixth grade and see where they're at right now.".
Amy SedarisYou know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors who come in like a breath of fresh air.
Amy SedarisSome crafts have been practiced for centuries. These crafts were created using skills passed from generation to generation, and were motivated by necessity such as baskets and pottery, or artistic expression, such as more baskets and more pottery. Today, there is a much more leisurely attitude toward crafting, and virtually anyone without a job and access to pipe cleaners can join the elite society of crafters.
Amy SedarisI always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my senior year, when I couldn't be a Girl Scout anymore. I was in clubs like Junior Achievement, and I ran track and field. My grades were good, but then toward 11th grade they were nothing. I always went to summer school.
Amy SedarisI like to be around entertaining people. Even if they're bored, and you're in a convalescent home, there's something entertaining about that, in a way.
Amy SedarisI just hate the whole idea of labeling anything as a comedy. If you tell me something's funny, I'll want to rebel against it. When I go to a bookstore and see books categorized as humor, I get furious. Don't tell me that a book is funny. Let me decide if it's funny. It's the same with sitcoms. You call something a sitcom and people expect it to be funny. And that ruins everything.
Amy SedarisI always want to look unattractive, it's more fun. I like playing opposites, people who aren't attractive who think they are pretty. That's always interesting to me.
Amy SedarisI choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
Amy SedarisMy father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him.
Amy SedarisThe moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over.
Amy SedarisSometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.
Amy SedarisI wasn't a cliquey person, and I think that's because I came from a large family. I got along with everybody, and I usually got along with the people that people didn't like.
Amy SedarisI'm not ambitious when it comes to my acting career. I'm not breaking down my agency's doors or sending out headshots. Even when I'm offered work, I always want small parts. When it comes to things that other people have written, I just don't know what I'm doing. I'm terrible at memorizing a script and reading lines. I get confused and I don't understand and it just looks fake to me. It's more difficult for me to be creative that way.
Amy SedarisWhen I meet a new person, something has to be a little off for me to consider them beautiful. It could be crooked teeth, or veins in their skin that are a little too visible, or a really dramatic lazy eye. The first guy I ever kissed had a water head.
Amy SedarisFire had an almost magical quality that suggested anything was possible. Early on, man even believed that fire was a god that had to be fed with animal sacrifices in order to burn brightly. Today we have evolved a long way from this ridiculous notion of a 'fire god' and now rightfully understand God to be a bearded being who lives amongst the clouds and hates Jews and homosexuals.
Amy SedarisThere is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a hospitable person and have groups of people in your home touching your personables.
Amy SedarisI don't really consider myself to be a comedian. I mean, it's not like I'm sitting around writing jokes or anything. I just like dressing up and pretending to be other people.
Amy SedarisI like to entertain in all aspects. When you're with somebody and you're out, you want to be entertained.
Amy SedarisBegin your story with a sentence that will immediately grab hold of your listener's ears like a surly nun in a Catholic school.
Amy SedarisI've always been drawn to people with problems. Not just physical problems, but mental problems too. Like depressed people or killers, all that stuff.
Amy Sedaris