Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.