Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.