CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.