George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!