George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

Jewish people, we're repulsed by Hitler, but we're obsessed with him. If you ever want to rob a Jewish person's house, all you have to do is call them up and tell them there's a Hitler film festival down at the multiplex - watch them file out.

I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?

I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.

I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.

I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.

I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.