Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.