I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.

I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!

Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.