I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.

I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.

I don't like any nastiness on tv unless it's coming from me.