Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this.

They shouldn't call anything a boot camp unless you're going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won't let you come back until you're funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.

Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.

Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.

I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.