I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over.

I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly.

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.

I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.

CNN has a thing called You Choose the News. Y'know what CNN? I'm turning you on because I don't know the news. I was hoping you could help me.