I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.

Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.

I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.