I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.

My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.