I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!

Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.