I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? 'My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.' Mission accomplished.

I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.

Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.

I noticed whenever you call information, 411, there's always a computer voice, and they go, 'What number would you like? City and state, please.' 'Yeah, I'd like the number of Macy's in Century City, California.' 'Did you say 'pretzel nuggets'?

I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.