All economists should be locked up until they admit that they don't know what they're talking about.

I never get over feeling bad about tearing open a beautifully wrapped present. It takes ten seconds to destroy a work of art that took someone ten minutes to accomplish.

A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.