There are more beauty parlors than there are beauties.

Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"

I don't know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you've taken a pill out?

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

In Washington, a confidential assistant is someone who, if you don't want to know something, you go and ask him and he won't tell you.

The best thing about a vacation is planning it.

Most of us aren't that interested in getting rich- we just don't want to get poor.