Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.

Don't keep saying, "I don't know where the time goes." It goes the same place it's always gone and no one has ever known where that is.

I've done a lot of complaining here, but of all the things I've complained about, I can't complain about my life.

No matter what any of the grammar teachers say, punctuation is an arbitrary matter. It should be used to make sentences clear.

I know a lot of you believe that most people in the news business are liberal. Let me tell you, I know a lot of them, and they were almost evenly divided this time. Half of them liked Senator Kerry; the other half hated President Bush.

No one likes the house next door to look worse or a lot better than his own.

It's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.