Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.

Anyone should be very suspicious of a sentence he's written that can't be read aloud easily.

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

The last birthday that's any good is 23.

... all of us talk faster than we listen.

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'