Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.