My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.