My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.