My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.