My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.
Anthony JeselnikI try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.
Anthony JeselnikEvery comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Anthony JeselnikPeople say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
Anthony Jeselnik