Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.