I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.