I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.