I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.