I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.