Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.