Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I tell very mean jokes.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.