Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.