In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.