My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know, she'd be like keep me away from those chocolate bars, I'm addicted to them. And it's really annoying. So one day I put her in the car and I drove her downtown and I pointed out a crack addict. And I said you see that honey? Why can't you be that skinny?