I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.