I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.