In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.