Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.