Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.