I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.