If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.