I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.