I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

The world is full of horrible things.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.