I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.