I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.