I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.