Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.

Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.