Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.