When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.