Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.