This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
Anthony JeselnikWhenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then sheโs mine.
Anthony JeselnikAn offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
Anthony JeselnikI think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.
Anthony JeselnikShe got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'
Anthony Jeselnik