My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show. So I met with a late night joke writer and he told me that I should start by doing stand-up comedy, because that would really hone my sense of humor and joke writing ability. Eventually I took a stand-up class and a few months later I had a seven-minute act.