My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.