My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.