My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

The world is full of horrible things.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.