My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.