I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.