My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.