My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.