I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.