My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

I'll be very busy, which is all I need.