My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.