My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?