Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.