I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
Anthony JeselnikI had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.
Anthony JeselnikI would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.
Anthony JeselnikMy ex-girlfriend owned a parakeetโฆoh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Anthony JeselnikMy girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.
Anthony Jeselnik