My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.