The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.