The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.