I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.